So You Want to Write a Tolkien Fanfic?
by SickleYield
Summary: Humorous guide to writing like a neurotic misogynist Englishman. Not that I think all Englishmen are neurotic misogynists. I freely admit that all the neurotic misogynists I know are American. Complete with one or two expansions.
1. Chapter 1

The Tolkien Writing guide Part I:

The Men of Middle Earth

Or: "Walk like a man, my soo-hooo-hooo-hooooooon…."

Note: We will not be addressing the Ainur or Maiar (or wizards), since bodies are apparently optional for them. They could be switching back and forth all the time, for all we know. Theoretically, those which are permanently coupled could be gay one week and straight the next, although this sounds rather confusing for them.

Important Characteristics of the Tolkien Man:

Human:

Height. The first descriptor of a noble Man is almost always "tall," often followed by "grim," "noble," or in extreme cases "broad-shouldered."

Noble birth. It doesn't matter how minor a character he is. If he touches the storyline at all, he'd better be Thrangon son of Bangon, of the line of the Mighty House of Omicron.

Grim demeanor. It's so difficult to be attractive, educated, and of noble birth. No one understands poor Thrangon except his One True Love. Too bad he spends all his time around other Men.

Special weapon. It doesn't matter if it's a sword, a horn, armor, etc., though brownie points are awarded for pointy phallic objects. Toss in a name like Nothancs, the Spear of Lobstor, and call it a day.

Easily provoked. It doesn't take much to have this individual "laying his hand on the hilt of his mighty sword." (Shut UP, you in the back.) Even innocent comments from hobbits can cause quasi-violent responses.

Inexplicable knowledge of history of other races. Especially elves, of course.

Poetry. Get a couple of drinks in Thrangon and he's off on a complete poetic rendition of the Silmarillion. Don't try to stop him or you'll soon be seeing the sharp end of Nothancs.

Elf:

Surprisingly, pointed ears is NOT one of the requirements. Just try and catch Tolkien mentioning, even once, what Elven ears look like. They could have Bajoran nose wrinkles for all we know.

(NOTE:We have been informed that Tolkien mentions hobbits and elves as having pointed ears in a letter to his publisher discussing illustrations. We have given this matter some thought and would like to say the following: Phbbbbt.)

No, the first qualification is:

Height. In this case "tall" is generally followed by "slim," "fair," "gay," et cetera.

Long, beautiful hair. It doesn't matter how annoying it is in battle, it darn well better be there! It doesn't have to be blond, however, since there are as many ethnic groups of Elf as there are Men. (Don't believe me? Read the Silmarillion.)

Laughter. Elves are always laughing merrily at things which are not funny. This is one of the things that makes Tolkien elves truly fey. If elves shoot you for trespassing, merry laughter will be the last thing you hear.

Grimness. You think I'm joking? Show me Elrond Halfelven laughing in the books. Laughter is for those subordinate elves whose character does not have to be developed in depth. If necessarily, an important Elvish character can laugh grimly.

Elvish language. Which often turns out to be magical in and of itself as regards curing wounds, casting glamours, causing people to fall asleep, et cetera. Though falling asleep is no surprising reaction to an Elvish poetry night. Don't let them get Thrangon and his dear friend Neiringol ThreeQuartersElven started.

Auras. Elves glow. They shine. They sparkle. It doesn't matter how tough they are on the field of battle, or how supposedly good at sneaking through the woods, they'd darn well better glitter like a Tide commercial at all times.

Dwarf:

Height. No, seriously. If you're going to put in a dwarf as a main character, he has to be taller than the other dwarfs. Tolkien was not bothered by phrases like "tall dwarf," and neither should you be.

Grimness. Yep. Dwarves are frightfully grim, no matter what film directors try to make you believe about their usage as comic relief. See how cheery you are when half your ancestors have been eaten by a dragon. For another good reason, see "dwarf women" in the next chapter.

Axes. For some reason an axe is thought to be a good weapon for a short, abnormally strong person, better than a club, sword, mace, morningstar, or anything else that would extend their reach in close quarters. Fingering this axe can substitute for the sword fondling of which Tolkien Men are so fond.

Beards. Lots of beards. A dwarf without a beard is like a wizard without a staff.

Hobbit:

Hairy feet. Not sure where Peter Jackson got those funny ears, but Tolkien never mentions them. He goes into a LOT of detail on the furry feet, though.

Chubbiness. Left out of the film, except for poor Sam, but Tolkien's hobbits are not short little underwear models. They are "fat little bunny" type people.

Sneakiness. Hobbits are good at creeping around quietly and avoiding Big People, although this turns out to be surprisingly ineffective many times in the books. Go figure.

Merriness, defined as "worshipping elves and making jests that start with Ho! Or Ha!"

Heart, defined as "ability to resist evil when the plot requires it while being ineffective the rest of the time." It doesn't matter how long they can hold out against a Morghul blade wound, you don't want them on your side in a big battle, trust us.

Smoking. In the books, they're very proud of having invented this. Apparently lung cancer is not a problem in the Shire.


	2. Chapter 2

The Tolkien Writing guide Part II:

The Women of Middle Earth

Or: "She always knows her place, she's got style, she's got grace, she's a winner…"

Important characteristics of the Tolkien woman:

Human:

Scarcity. You don't see a frightful lot of them around. Probably spend a lot of time dying in childbirth.

Height. Generally coupled with "fair," "slender," and if possible "graceful." There are no short, buxom females in Tolkien, unless you count giant spiders.

Seriously Bad Fate. Dating your brother, everyone you know dying, throwing yourself off high things, etc. See the Silmarillion for many examples.

Limited Romantic Opportunities. Elves never fall in love with mortal women. It's always the other way around. Besides, the fact that other Elves don't want to date them should provide a clue that this is a bad idea. Dating dwarves and hobbits is going to be considered out of the question by most. The Ringwraiths are rumored to be dead, or worse, already dating each other. Orcs are big and strong, but have bad hair and rather limited conversation. Wait, so do Men… Hm…

Stepping Out of Line: Punishable by Pain. Not that it's so easy to find anyone who does. See Eowyn. If it wasn't for the Love of a Good Man...

Elf:

Scarcity. It makes you wonder how there got to be so bleeding many elves to begin with, given that their birth rate must be lower than Swedes.

Height. See description of human females. There's no real difference, except that Elvish women are usually described in terms of some kind of internal glow, aura, or other visible radiation.

Highly Described Hair and Eyes: You think Mary Sues started this? Ha. If Tolkien spent less time on hair and eyes he might be forced to mention less delicate body parts. We're not sure elves even have them.

Fatuous nicknames. Nightingale, Evenstar, whatever, translating them into Elvish doesn't make them less silly.

Even Worse Fate. See Luthien, Feanor's mother, Elrond's basically nameless wife, et cetera. Nothing bad has happened Arwen yet at the end of the books, but we're sure it's just a matter of time.

Interspecies Dating. No explanation is given, beyond that an Elf sees a Man and "her doom comes upon her." This substitutes conveniently for any need to explain how an elf could possibly fall in love at first sight with someone like dirty old Beren or scrawny, grim Aragorn. Even freaky little Bombadil seems to be living with an Elf, although admittedly she is never overtly identified as such.

Not Rocking the Boat. Even Luthien, when rescuing Beren from the Enemy's fortress, uses Pretty Song Magic to do it. Galadriel uses her fey powers of magic and psi behind the scenes, where women belong, never on a battlefield. None of this hacking things with swords business.

Dwarf:

There aren't any. At least, not that Tolkien mentions.

We're not kidding. Go through the books and find me any single mention of a Dwarf woman or any dwarf who is indicated as female. Some scriptwriter made up Gimli's whole "they look just like the men" speech in the movie.

This probably explains why Dwarves are so grim all the time.

NOTE: I have been informed that some remarks similar to Gimli's are made in an Appendix to the books. My feeling is that Appendices are a device of Morgoth, and I will continue to ignore such data as are found in these works of the Enemy.

Hobbit:

We're pretty sure they exist.

Rosie Cotton and That Sackville-Baggins Woman, at least.

Not much else is ever said. Probably because Tolkien was bothered by the whole furry feet thing, once he got it down on paper. More likely because, since he spent so much time going on about how cute and chubby male hobbits were, he would have to write in (gasp) full-figured hobbit women. And this absolutely could not be tolerated.


	3. Chapter 3

The Tolkien Writing guide Part III:

General Rules of Middle Earth

Or: "Look out, they've got a canon!"

Just a few rules you might miss if you haven't read the books…

It's Hereditary, Right?

Morgoth kidnaps Elves and tortures them horribly. Elves become Orcs. Orcs reproduce. This results in… More Orcs. See other fantasy writers for similar odd ideas about genetics. Creationist-like passages in the Silmarillion notwithstanding, Tolkien apparently was a big believer in Lamarckian evolution.

D--- Right, It's Better Than Yours

Elves may seem to talk down to the other races more often than not, but there is a good reason for this: Elves are better. Wiser, prettier, better at making indestructible weapons, AND immortal to boot, they've got it all. Forget all that nonsense in the Silmarillion about betraying each other, being bad parents, and killing your nearest and dearest over shiny rocks. The Elves certainly have.

It's the Same Old Song

Whether Hobbits, Men, Dwarves or Elves, Characters in Tolkien can't stop to eat or rest without spending a few pages singing. This may have something to do with the lack of satellite television in Middle Earth. It's amazing how well Elvish songs and stories translate into English, that is to say the Common Tongue, considering they are a different species. Anyway, the amount of time they spend writing looooong poems may explain why Elves seem so bored with being immortal.

White and Delightsome

While (unlike the movie) every important good character in the Lord of the Rings does NOT have blue eyes, they are all extremely white. In fact, "pale" is another one of those words like "tall" that Tolkien tosses around to indicate nobility and attractiveness. And the inverse appears to be true as well – it's not just that Bill Ferny is rude, it's that he's sallow and "squint-eyed" that indicates his affiliation with "dark" powers. Dark skin is apparently synonymous with evil, with exhibit A being the Southrons. (The movie gives a nod to this by having them wear what appear to be burqas. Jackson and Co. apparently have something against body piercings as well.)

The Purpose of a Man is to Love a Woman, and the Purpose of an Elf is to Love...an Elf?

Tolkien spent a great deal of time inventing Elvish languages while neglecting at least one significant fact about his own. This is the fact that in English, humans come in two flavors: Man and Woman. He refers to the Race of Men, which despite its patriarchalism, is a typical generic usage. Besides, "Man" fits better into iambs than "Human."

However, there are also the Races of Elves and Dwarves. There does not appear to be any female word for either Elf or Dwarf. This leads to some tortuous and justly lambasted terms such as "she-elf" in fanfiction. The lack of such a term for Orcs is somewhat excusable, given that Tolkien seems to have been rather fuzzy on how they reproduce, except for the implied-but-never-dealt-with "raping thehuman women" trope (which produces half-Orcs).

We suggest, if you wish to deal with females of these species in a way other than describing their beauty and dropping them afterwards like hot palantiri, that you invent words. We personally would love to read a description of the beautiful Elves and Woelves who inhabit Rivendell. It would make our day.


	4. Chapter 4

The Tolkien Writing guide Part IV:

The Eyes of the Ranger Are Upon You

Or: "Gosh oh git up, how'd dey get so lit up?"

In which we explore Tolkien's use of ocularity. Enough review folk mentioned it that we thought it was worth a shot.

I. "When you're in Tolkien, look behind you…"

Tolkien was hunting through his Toolkit O' Words, searching for modifiers to describe the eyes of Blankomer Son of Blankethor, when he suddenly threw up his hands in disgust. "All I've got left are 'grey,' 'piercing,' and 'clear?' What IS this?" (What happened, of course, is that his old acquaintance Madeleine L'Engle stole them.) Further search disclosed only "stern."

Refusing to give in to the despair, the author delved into his mine of similes, only to discover these too had been looted. Consequently, Blankomer ends up striding around with clear, piercing gray eyes, like burning coals. His Elven companion Blainkien Manfriend has ditto, but more stern, like flashing fire. His kinky, humanophile Elvish girlfriend Blandwen Starfondler has eyes which are more like, oh, stars. But gray. And piercing. Or, if Tolkien manages to throttle the word out of Edgar Rice Burroughs, blue.

No wonder everyone in Middle Earth makes such bad decisions. They are handicapped by limited brain development resultant from severe genetic bottlenecks.

Even dwarves are sometimes caught with piercing, flashing, coal-like eyes. Once in a while some flint will make its appearance. ("Argh, Gimli son of Gloin, you got some flint in your eye again.") At least they're not quite so in to giving silly names to weapons.

Find us a hobbit with eyes that pierce or flash anywhere in the books. We dare you. And no counting the freaking Appendices. Tolkien wrote far too many tangential bits of information as it was.

II. "They're talking, Merry. The Eyes are talking!" (Yes, that was a movie reference.)

It's not just the Eye of Sauron. Lots of eyes can talk. You can look into a person's eyes and instantly tell they are sad, noble, angry, evil, or of course grim.

If you believe these writers, this mysterious communication does not depend in any way on the rest of the person's face. This is why it so easy to communicate with those with severe physical handicaps which prevent movement of facial muscles. Nurses just look into their eyes and say, "The IV site is sore. Oh, and he seems to be feeling anguish over the Doom of Middle Earth again."

Which makes it rather puzzling why Sauron chose the manifestation he did. Personally, if I thought one look at me would instantly reveal all my inner designs, I would have chosen something else. Of course, "A great ear, wreathed in flame" loses something in intimidation value, but this would be a small price to pay for world domination.

Ditto those Easterlings or Southrons with clothing that hides everything EXCEPT their eyes. Isn't this something like walking around holding a sword, but otherwise completely naked?

III. "Honey, you can't hide your lyin' Eye…" (or "I lost my body AND my career")

Maybe it's the lack of depth perception. For a great eye, lidless, wreathed in flame (or, at certain seasons of the year, wreathed in holly), Sauron misses an awful lot. It must be horrible to be a bodiless fallen Maia, more powerful and intelligent than any born creature on Middle Earth, yet writhing within the narrow confines of The Plot.

I mean, we know the Eye is not attached to a complete lack of spectral gray matter. This IS the being who basically talked the Dunedain's ancestors into their own Atlantis-style downfall. Yes, if he had his druthers he'd be recruiting Middle Earth's Best and Brightest, but the Dark Lord is limited to stupid orcs, crazy Nazghul and one deranged wizard to carry out his evil commands.

And of course there is still something of a translation problem with the Easterlings, who turned out to have developed a highly tonal language which is nearly impossible to learn for a character in the Eurocentric Tolkien universe. And certainly impossible to teach to Orcs. This creates a certain number of administrative bottlenecks. I can just hear that deep voice howling from the Black Tower: "CURSE YOU TOLKIEEEEEEN!"

Of course, he's howling in "the language of Mordor, which I will not utter here."


	5. Chapter 5

The Tolkien Writing Guide Part V:

So You Want to Write a Tolkien Plot?

Or: "Pardon, your archetype is showing."

Note to Nienor Niniel and others: I have long had a love/mock relationship with the Professor and the Books. Otherwise, I wouldn't spend enough time reading them to mock them correctly. This is why, though I passionately loathe the writings of S.L. Viehl, I do not post parodies of her works. This would require me to read more of them than I already have.

And I'd just like to note that I'm sure Lexin is right, and Aragorn is going to be REALLY annoyed when he finds out Arwen has gotten him pregnant. "I thought you chose a MORTAL life!" "Yes, but that doesn't mean I want to have CONTRACTIONS."

I. The History Plot: You've Lost that Loving Feeling, and Possibly Your Soul

This is a good place for the beginner to start his/her imitation of Tolkien's style. You can make a good beginning with just a few magic artifacts, a couple of dozen supernatural beings plus your standard Tolkien races, and an entire English alphabet in capital letters.

Because mark my words, you will be using a LOT of capital letters. A typical Silmarillion excerpt goes something like, "And then the Host of the Gagnar were wroth at the Deeds of Balihuin Son of Munshuin, for he stole away Forcu the Sword of the North By Southwest and rode with it into the Shadows of the Mountain of Migrainor." If every second or third word is not capitalized, you have not yet achieved the true epic style.

Now choose an artifact and decide who made it. It doesn't really matter what it is, since you'll probably be using several different rings, swords, jewels, sets of car keys, and so on. It is most important that they be small and portable so that people can steal them. The Silmarillion would be a very short book if each of the Silmarils had been thirty feet long.

Now refer to Shakespeare or another great writer and steal whatever subplots you find lying around. Popular ones include the rise and fall of nations, betrayal of family, star-crossed lovers, attack by tentacled aliens, and dying nobly in battle against a mighty foe. You might think any one of these is enough for a plot, but this is only true when you develop the characters beyond giving them names and one or two physical characteristics. This will not be necessary for you, which is the beauty of the History Plot.

Cram in all these subplots helter-skelter. Some of them can relate to each other linearly, but this is really optional. It's best to use only one or two family lines to connect everything, and do it loosely. This will not avoid any confusion, since you will still be using many similar names and plots, but it will be easier for you as a writer. Feel free to repeat yourself. After the second or third time a hero dies fighting Lord Cthulhu (wait, that's Lovecraft) with Ouich the Spear of the North, most people will lose track.

End obscurely. This should be easy to do. Just write until you get tired of it (notice I do not say "until the reader gets tired," because there is no point in even starting if you are going to have this kind of attitude). Now toss off a couple of paragraphs chalking up the score of each race, who has made it into the end zone, who got sacked by the Orcs, and so on. Call it a day. You can always write more of these later. In fact, it's practically certain.

II. The Quest Plot: My Hobbit Went to Mount Doom and all I Got Was This Shirt

Here we move into that permanent staple of fantasy writing, the Quest. You won't be doing so many of these, because they are more difficult. The Quest requires you to have at least one character possess that trait most dreaded of epic writers: a personality.

If you can manage to endow two or three with this mystic attribute, good job, but it's safer to start with one and take the History Plot Approach to the others. Throw in a few descriptions of their eyes, weapons, ancestors, et cetera (see previous entries for details) and let these substitute for individual mannerisms.

Don't be daunted by this whole personality issue. Your hero will no doubt be Unlikely, and this means he can be more or less a transplant of your own personality. You are not a likely hero, or you would not be reading this. You would be out slaughtering members of another species with Foschizel, the Bow of the West Side. So take a rough simalcrum of yourself, minus your less interesting flaws and plus the ability to resist torture for long periods, and insert into some race or other. Tolkien liked to use Hobbits, possibly because they were the only race which did not produce heroes with depressing regularity.

Now send your Hobbit, Dwarf, Man, or Barrow-wight Who Got Bored off to find some companions. I do not say Elf, you will note. Elves are mysterious, ethereal, and (supposedly) wise. All of these characteristics are antithetical to having a personality, or at least one that can be identified with by the average reader. Besides, an Elven hero would spend three weeks writing a poem or song about his plans and by then it would be all over.

Make sure all these potential companions are male. Having women around will just prove inconvenient, as they will be too busy wasting away from unrequited love, dying in childbirth, or singing pretty songs to be any use. (Yes, the Elf companion will be singing too, but at least he will be doing it in a manly way. No, wait. We said he was an ELF, right?)

Once you've assembled a suitably diverse group of companions, you have a couple of options. You can split them up, so as to show off your command of multiple storylines, or you can keep them together, and keep THREATENING to split them up. If the group is large enough, kill off one or two. This adds dramatic tension. What with the singing everyone is going to do whenever they stop to rest, you will need it.

How to go on from this point should be obvious. You can come up with any number of dangers in the form of threatening magical geography, dragons, orcs, wolves, turnpikes, or whatever, for your hero to face until he reaches the Big Ending and faces the Enemy and any personal demons he may be toting along. If you run into any insurmountable plot problems, you can always use:

III. Tolkien's Big Plot Solver: Deus Ex Machinae and You

Once in a while, it inevitably happens that you dig yourself into a hole. Actually, the opposite is more often the case in Tolkien. You have a character chained to a big rock, on the side of a mountain surrounded by lava, and so on. How are you going to get him down? You didn't plan for this eventuality, it just sort of happened, and now you are wondering if you're really going to have to scrap your entire party and start from scratch back at Level, we mean, Chapter One.

And Tolkien discovered an easy solution to this problem.

Eagles.

Yes. There are enormous eagles in Middle Earth, and they like nothing better than to spend their time flapping back and forth between characters who have gotten themselves inexplicably marooned on top of high things.

Your hero is sitting there hopelessly, wondering if he really is going to get out of this one, and all of a sudden here comes the cavalry. Figuratively speaking. Who needs cavalry when you can use birds the size of luxury sedans? One minute your protagonist and his friends are facing imminent doom atop an evil wizard's tower or in the limbs of burning trees surrounded by wolves, and the next they are being bourne through the air by Convenientor and his mighty brood.

With a little effort, you can use eagles to resolve other plot difficulties as well. See how many you can come up with!


End file.
